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Motherhood is life’s great pause—

all my days have
different names but
the same faces,
the same hours and
the same reasons,
while you
grow bigger,
stronger, smarter,
more beautiful and more free
which each bedtime,
each awakening

the passions of my mind
and my body, on hold
the rules have changed
with the way I
possess and spend
my time and my money
and I find
there is no finding
between loving myself
and loving you, because
I always believed
love transforms,
that love gives all
and holds nothing back
or you can just forget it
and if this is the test,
I will pass it
I will prove to that love
that I know how to give it
even if it means waiting
to exhale, waiting
to sail my own seas
and meet my own storms,
waiting for such a time when
you no longer need my world
to revolve around you
and me to put you first,

such a long pause that
I can understand why
some call it a great beginning
or a great ending
like maybe
when I gave birth to you
I was born too,
but as someone new

but I dream about going back
to the old me someday too
there are so many parts of her
that I love so very much,
that I’ve worked so hard on
and would hate to lose for good

and to be honest,
thinking I’ll have her in the end,
that I can pick up where
I left off and carry on
the way I used to be
before you came
is what keeps me sane
through all these changes
and sacrifices

and no, I’m not complaining
no, I’m not counting
I’ll let it all go in a heartbeat
if I have to
and be all about you
my whole life
and give you my life
because you deserve
to be loved like that, deserve
to be loved by one who
will not hold that love against you
and make you hate yourself

I’m just writing this down
to breathe
and remember me.

“Mother” by photographer Heather Hamlet


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