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It’s been enough time now
and on the surface the dust has settled
I am far enough away and still gaining
from the wreckage of the inevitable denouement
of your reckless downward spiraling
and my naive attempt to stay at a place
where I knew I could never know peace
I no longer think about you
you can no longer reach me
not in flesh nor in thought

but sometimes I still have nightmares
about it
about you
and all the things I should have said
and all the things I should have thought to do
on the day my discontent got too loud
and cornered your black heart
and you lay down your last desperate card
and decided to make it clear that
I am nothing but a disposable pawn to you
and you had me dragged away from the empire
of spent time I had lost my heart on,
the smell of burning bridges clinging to my clothes

it happens again and again

and in all those nightmares
I see the faces I thought I had forgotten
but there’s an alternate ending
I was unafraid and I fought back
and made a bigger mess
than what your bourgeois sensibilities
feigned shock about,
I tore everything open
for fate to sort out later
and in those nightmares
I held justice in my bloodied hands
before you shut the door on me
and it was much easier to forget everything
least of all your common, insignificant beings

x x x

and it only still hurts
not because you matter
not because my regrets
are bigger than the freedom
but because it is still yet to be revealed
one, why it happened
two, where it fits

“Shadow” by photographer Charles Hildreth


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