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I’ve been searching earnestly
some would say desperately
for the chance to prove myself
that chance to show the only truth I listen to
that I haven’t lost my senses
that I am brave and will not live on dreams alone
that I haven’t sold myself
for the low price of glitter
that I’ll still recognize real gold when I see it

see I have an unsettled score with fate

long ago, when my moonlight still danced
with the black space between acacia leaves
before my stars competed with the enlightenment
of acrophobic towers with staring windows of light
I was put to the test and I failed

because love knew nothing was above her
but so many blind dreamers walk, single file
and follow each other down the cliff
of worldly deception
and I was too young to know
love almost never gives second chances
you miss your bus and that’s it:
you end up playing with a shuffled deck
and clutch a random card to that hole
where your heart used to be
to keep you warm
to get you through the cold lonely nights
I was too innocent to realize
I squandered an honor not given to many

one moment’s weakness gave me many years of shame
such that I couldn’t look love in the eye
without feeling little
I sometimes pretended to believe
she was both fickle and cruel
but deep inside I knew it was I who fell short
and I wanted my second chance
I wanted to do right by her

because I will not be beautiful for nothing
I will not be any kind of genius for nothing
I will not be a bejeweled queen of fame and fortune
who comes home each night to a profound emptiness

still, every other soul I found were among the deceived
they would not pay the price with me
they turned their backs on the redemption
of their life’s biggest mistake and mine

but here you are, finally
love’s great test
love’s leap of faith
and I assure you we will succeed
I promise you we’ll make it all the way
I give you my word we will conquer it all
the distance, the time, the money, the cultural divide
I know enough to risk what I have to, to be with you
here, I’m putting everything on the line for you
it is a privilege I am thankful for
and it would honor me if you would take it
.

carryme
.
“Engagement Couple” by photographer Justin Trapp
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