Terrorized to the point of
shaking and throwing up
crying my eyes out
Two hours later I’ll be sleeping,
then wake up with a mad desire
to bake cake.
Can somebody loan me a straitjacket?
There’s no one.
nobody has crossed that door frame
in 72 hours.
It’s not the fear of that night.
It’s the fear of what comes after.
It could be something frighteningly good
and i might not be able to handle it well
and self-destruct, or something
or I’m afraid of being far away
from what I used to be.
I’d still give this up
for what I used to have
a man who loves me, and
and being far away from knowing
if my dreams would come true or not.
It feels safer if you don’t know.
I could fail.
or I could succeed
and get uglier inside for it.
to whom much is given
much is required
but can I choose to not be given much?
but have no right to be.
That’s the worst kind of unhappiness.
It would at least be better
if people thought it totally excusable
even understandable, that you’re unhappy
and they actually feel sorry for you.
Nothing’s worse than being unhappy
and being unable to talk about it
because you know you’d be
made to feel guilty for it.
I have a lot. I can give back a lot.
I can donate to charity,
pay for a man’s intestinal transplant operation,
or send somebody to school, but
I’ll still be scared.
I’m not worried about failure
but about success
about getting stronger and smarter than I am.
It’s lonely enough as it is.
I ain’t super woman
but everybody expects me to be.
The truth is, I want to be taken care of
I want someone
to share the responsibility for me.
What if “can’t ask for more” really exists?
What if you get there
and you still want more
and feel so terrible
because you’re not supposed to?
What if you get there and it’s a terrible place?
Do you think you understand me?
because I don’t think I understand myself
although I’m talking about it.
I’m scared of knowing the answer
but I still ask
because I’m lonely
and I’m trying to get to the bottom of the loneliness.
Give me something,
something to look forward to
that’s far enough away
that I can feel safe wanting it.