I wish to be freed from this continuum that is life
the successions of comings and goings
and inadequate reasons for staying
and overwhelming reasons for leaving
I pray to be delivered from too much understanding
too much knowing, because most times wisdom
doesn’t make things any better
and just makes the head hurt for nothing.
How many times have I asked to be plucked
from this pedestal I did not ask for
that so many others will kill and die for,
Don’t they know how lonely it is up here,
to want to crawl back into that box
except the box is too small
and I have grown to monstrous proportions?
Who do I pick up this phone and call
who will listen when I tell them
it doesn’t get any easier with time?
All you learn is ways to keep yourself
from complaining about it, but it’s always there.
Even if I don’t want to worry myself to death
I have to look in the mirror every once in a while
and watch myself succumbing to who I am all the time
and I hold that reflection in my arms with shame
and there’s no one to believe it’s impossible to change.
I think I would plunge into
a swimming pool filled with glue
if it would numb my senses deeper than the skin
or go around opening people’s skulls
and remove their brain cells that have me in them
and make them forget they knew me
or set my bookshelves on fire, or change my name
and have plastic surgery or stage my own death
and fly somewhere far, far away.
Except I’ll still be there with my memories.
* * *
I’ve been accused
of being terrified of fortune
of sabotaging fame
of deliberately delaying success
but I do it so that happiness could be on time.
And if I’m wrong, I’m wrong.
Live your life your own way. I’ll live mine.