I lay down my cards for you to see.
I admit that I sometimes
deliberately make myself fall in love
just so I could write.
But you made me write so naturally
so I fell in love with you unwillingly.
I only came to you
because you lived in the same city
as the man who raped my past
and got my future pregnant with a nightmare
and I thought you knew him
and could help me find him
so I could make him pay for his many crimes
and I could be a faultless virgin again.
I fell in love with you
the same way I fell in love with him
although you are more wonderful
never mind that he came first
and it felt like you and I
went back in time
to murder his great-grandfather
before he was even born
and we undid my mistakes.
I wish I had told you how wonderful that felt.
I wish I had thanked you a few more times.
But I’m back to the present now
the past and future are here
rolling on the floor
grabbing at each other’s throats
and the not-so-distant past
is sticking knives at the sterile womb
of the far-reaching future
because he killed me in 2003
and you walked away from me yesterday
and I write trying to forget him
and I fall in love trying to write
and I remember him trying to fall in love.