I want to build a barricade
between myself and pain
because I’ve paid too high a price
too many times
for pipe dreams

too many nights
I’ve cried myself to sleep
until my young girl heart
was covered in purple bruises
and I grew old
against my will

But these past few times
it was the opposite:
I would wake up in the morning
with tears in my eyes

because I want this so much
but it could be
the most impossible thing
I’ve ever aimed for
and just because
you survived something once
doesn’t guarantee
you’ll survive it
a second time

and for the first time
I am missing
the readiness to throw myself
into the arms of life
that life has stripped me of.